


and now i know you

by ritesofreverie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Cheating, Established Relationship, Heartache, Heartbreak, Implied Smut, Infidelity, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 20:53:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28998576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ritesofreverie/pseuds/ritesofreverie
Summary: you loved steve, truly. but there was something about his best friend that you just couldn’t quite shake. all you knew, was that you’d let him ruin you, over and over again, until there was nothing left to give.**very loosely based off of endings, and beginnings
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	and now i know you

You didn’t know how you ended up here.

Four months ago, you were blissfully in love with your boyfriend, basking in the sunlight that seemed to follow wherever he went. The warmth that always licked at your skin, paired with the linger of feeling his smile crooked in the crevice of your neck.

Steve was perfect, in every sense of the word. So how the fuck did you find yourself, with his best friend’s face between your legs?

They were so different. Whilst Steve was soft touches, and sweet kisses, Bucky was rough hands and swollen lips. Finding two people, who both gift you with different things which mold into the open creases of your being, makes your heart clench with guilt. You knew they deserved better, a person who could be honest with them, who would devote their entire selves.

It was selfish, you knew. But the longer time went on, the harder it became to stop.

The way you felt with Bucky, was akin to something almost divine. He made you feel alive, in a way that felt too hallowed to speak out loud. No one knew what the two of you had, it only existed within the late hours of the night.

You could still feel the ghost of his teeth, biting into the soft flesh of your thigh as you gripped his wrists like a cuff. Begging for it to never stop. For _him_ to never stop.

These are the memories you’re reminded of as you watch them from your spot on the terrace as you mindlessly engage in a conversation with your friends. They both seem content as they pass a smoke between them, and it makes you think of how much the two of them share with each other, willingly so. Maybe it was why you didn’t feel as ashamed as you thought you should. For a moment, it brings a smile to your face as you watch them interact. Steve laughs so hearty as Bucky pats him against his shoulder, a joke you assume, as they continue with their smiles and conversation. A part of you wants to join them, pretend that your relationship with both of them was where it should rightly be. But you won’t, you _can’t_. For now, you’ll turn back to your conversation with Wanda and Natasha, joining with a smile as they laugh about a memory from college that you all share, and pretending that you don’t feel two sets of eyes fall onto you as you do so.

•••

You didn’t know how you were convinced into playing this game, but there’s still a smile tugging at your lips as you indulge in Sam’s liveliness. “Open your eyes”, you hear him instruct the group, doing so, your eyes meet with your good friend as he continues, “It seems to be that another person has been murdered overnight” he looks at you, “I’m sorry, petal”.

You gasp dramatically, hand placed over your heart, “What?”, and when you hear your boyfriend snicker beside you, you turn to him, “Was it you? Did you kill me?”.

Steve grins wickedly, “I guess we’ll never know”.

You laugh fully, “I can’t believe you!”, but Steve just presses a kiss against your cheek as he rests his hand upon your thigh for comfort.

“Do we want to nominate who we think did it?” Sam questions, looking around at the group.

You hear Tony speak up, “Obviously, it’s the Manchurian Candidate over there”.

“Hey, I’ve been super helpful this entire game!” Bucky rejects as he takes another swig of his drink.

Sam wonders, “So, are we gonna kill the tin-man, or save him?”, and almost everyone at the party approves of the former.

Bucky rolls his eyes, and you can’t help but giggle at how everyone raises their hand in agreement, before Sam tuts, “Unfortunately folks, he was a townsperson” and everyone groans at being wrong, _again_.

“See, what’d I tell ya? Innocent” Bucky shrugs, a mischievous gleam in his eyes as he enjoys everyone’s reaction.

“Okay, now everybody, close your eyes for one last time and in the morning, we’ll see if everyone’s made it” Sam instructs, and you hold back your laugh at the serious tone that he portrays for the sake of the game. You also laugh at the way his eyebrow quivers.

Steve smiles at you gently before his eyes close, and you notice how everyone around you does the same. Except for the brunette man that sits across from you, his eyes, only ever focused on you.

His eyes were blue, similar to the man who sat beside you. But whereas Steve’s rivalled those of forget-me-nots, Bucky’s swirled akin to the moonlight casting itself above the sea. It was fitting, you thought, since the first time he had kissed you, had been at midnight on the beach when everyone else had left, leaving you two to a night that neither of you had been anticipating.

You longed to reach out, to graze your fingertips against the stubble that rests upon his cheeks and chin, before pressing a gentle kiss to the last spot you were bound to touch, like you had done so many times before. And it seemed as he stared back at you, that gentle smirk in place, he was thinking the same.

The two of you are broken out of your musing when Sam’s voice is heard again, and you quickly divert your eyes to your hands that are sat in your lap. And as you play with the rings on your fingers, you don’t notice the way that Steve’s eyes flicker from yours to Bucky’s.

•••

Later that night, when you’re feeling fuzzy from the wine you’d been drinking, you’re sitting atop a kitchen counter as you mindlessly swing your legs back and forth. Steve’s outside, engaged in another game of beer pong with Sam, and you can hear his cheers which you assume to take as his winnings. Normally, you’d be right there alongside him, but you needed a moment to yourself. Only you weren’t going to get that.

“Hi there” you hear, rich and deep as it settles into you with the same feeling of comfort you get when you indulge in your morning coffee.

You smile softly as you repeat, “Hi there”.

It’s quiet between the two of you since you’re not sure what you’re supposed to say. And by the intake of his breaths, you’re sure he isn’t either. All you know is that you can feel his warmth beside you, as he leans against the counter you sit upon. Not quite touching, but enough for the hair of your skin to raise as you remind yourself not to lean in.

“Are you, uh, enjoying yourself?” he asks, eyes focused on the windowpanes that overlook the backyard as he sips his drink.

“Yeah, Sam’s a great host” you tell him offhandedly, before you realise you haven’t looked at him since he had joined you. Meeting his gaze, you’d guess your pupils must be as blown as his. “Hi” you whisper, in greeting again, but this time, there’s a meaning behind it that can’t be spoken aloud.

He’s gentle with you as his fingers graze gently against your thigh, hidden from the sight of anyone else, goosebumps rising in their wake. “Hi” he murmurs back, offering you a smile with his eyes, “I’ve missed you”. You want to say it back, hold onto his sincerity and let it fill you from the inside out. But you can’t, not here. And from the solemn look on his face, he knows this too.

Instead, you look down at the bottle he holds in his hands, and reach out to slowly trace your finger around it’s brim. You don’t realise the amount of time that’s passed, but realise it must’ve been longer than you thought as Steve is calling your names from where he stands at the back door, and the two of you pull away too quickly to not seem dubious. Your heart drops as it clenches in waiting for confrontation, but your boyfriend just smiles at the two of you, even if he holds something indistinguishable behind his expression, no one says anything else.

Hopping down from the counter, you say your goodbyes to the other man before following Steve outside. Before you’re out of sight, you turn your head back slightly, feeling the beginnings of desire greet your veins as you watch the brunette lick his lips after taking a final sip of his beer, eyes blazing as they watch you leave. There’s an unspoken understanding that lingers, even as you wished there wasn’t.

•••

Three days pass before you see him again, a succession of knocks to your front door that continue until your opening it to greet him. No words are exchanged as he steps over the threshold, closing the door behind him and reaching out to hold your face in his palms, as if it’s the most sacred thing he’s ever held. There’s barely a coherent moment between the two of you before he’s leaning down, and pressing his lips against yours.

It’s the kind of kiss that hurts. Not from bruising lips and biting teeth, but instead, it’s the feeling of your heart barely being held together by the caress of his hand against your cheek.

There’s only skin between the two of you as your bodies fall into each other. Passionate kisses are had between wandering hands, and bitten skin. His fingers intertwining with yours, with soft squeezes that have you holding your breath as he’s gentle with you. Bucky looks almost afraid, as though if his eyes are shut for too long, that you’ll disappear. His grip on you tightens the closer you get to the end, and you clutch onto him as moans leave your mouth, only to be swallowed by his. You hold your breath as you feel the spring beginning to coil in your stomach, begging to snap. 

And the moment that it finally does, the both of you are desperately holding onto each other, pouring as much feeling into your embrace as you possibly can.

There’s silence between the two of you for what felt like hours, your fingers tracing along his skin as his run along your back. No words had been spoken between the two of you yet, allowing yourselves to stay wrapped up in the daydream you’ve both created, though you know that the illusion can’t last for much longer.

You know that he does too.

“We can’t do this anymore” you murmur, and his arms tighten around you in response.

“I know” he chokes out after a few minutes, and you can hear his heartbeat from where you rest upon his chest. Moving your head back so that your eyes can meet, you find that he’s already focused on you. Your hand reaches up to brush his hair back away from his eyes, before your thumb strokes his lip gently. Leaning up, you press a final kiss there, giving the last piece of yourself to him that you can.

He savours it with a promise of _I love you_.

•••

You’d distracted yourself fairly well up until this point.

Though you knew the two of you would run into each other eventually, you hadn’t thought it’d be this early after your last goodbye. Steve greets him with a handshake and a hug, you offer a smile and a wave as you allow yourself to look into those eyes you’d been missing for the last two months. And from the way his eyes faltered on yours for a moment, you’d hope he was too. Perhaps you were being overzealous.

You’d stayed by your boyfriend’s side for most of the night, maintaining your focus and making sure that he knew you only had eyes for him. From the dopey smile on his face, and dazed gleam in his eyes, you knew he noticed. Steve was akin to a golden retriever when he’d had too many beers, hanging off your arm and telling you of how your beauty was akin to the stars in the skies. You’d giggled at him then, wiping the froth from the drink on his lips, as he’d lean down to press pecks against your forehead, then your cheeks, and eventually, your mouth.

It made your stomach do somersaults, as his eyes shown with an affection that was only ever gifted to you. His arms wrapped around your shoulders and neck as your back pressed against his check, swaying lightly as he hummed the songs playing in the background of the party into your ear. Your head leans back against his shoulder as your gazes lock, you smile at him and let him know that you’re _gonna grab another drink_ , before kissing his lips and detangling from his embrace.

You spot Bucky from your place in the kitchen, smiling to yourself as you hear his laugh that always made you feel warm. It takes you a moment to realise that he’s not alone.

As you watch him with his arms around her, you can’t help the jealousy that seems to be becoming all-encompassing. He isn’t yours, the same way that you aren’t his. But you’re _something_ to each other, and you thought that would always remain. But as he moves in closer to her, moving a piece of her hair behind her ear, you think, _maybe_ , you _were_ _wrong._

He must feel eyes upon him, because one moment he’s staring into hers, and the next, he’s meeting yours. Where once he would make the effort to greet you, now he doesn’t offer you anything more than a bittersweet smile. And you wish you could be anything other than understanding towards him.

As he turns back to the woman he was in conversation with, a mistiness greets your vision, and it takes you a second to realise that Steve has watched the entire exchange. This time though, he doesn’t pretend to not be witness to your intimacy with his best friend, barely holding back any emotions of his own as he heads straight for the exit of the apartment.

He doesn’t listen to your call of his name as he leaves, and when you turn back to find Bucky, you realise that both him, and the woman he was with are no longer in the room.

You’re _alone_ , you realise.

But you’re not surprised.

•••

When you finally make your way home, you don’t know what you were expecting to find. There’s no sound to be heard around the apartment, lights dimmed and the loneliness creeps in. Until you notice the figure that’s sitting on the lounge with their hands clasped under their chin, as they stare straight ahead. You toe off your shoes, and quietly make your way over, your hands clutching the jacket sleeves of Steve’s coat that you’d thrown on earlier in the night. He doesn’t look over at you, simply closes his eyes with a deep breath, and you take that as a sign to not greet him just yet. So, you give him the space he seems to be silently asking for, making your way over to the doors that open to the balcony, and breathing in deeply as you close it behind you. Allowing yourself to finally be consumed by the thoughts you’d so desperately been trying to avoid.

You know you love Steve. You love his soft smile in the first cast of morning light as you wake up beside him, the way his eyes crinkle when you make him laugh at the silliest of jokes, and the way his nose scrunches up when he’s indecisive about something, but ultimately gives in, because he’d give anything to you.

Steve is pure light, as it dances across as golden hues in the late afternoon. He’s warmth, and safety, a comfort you can only find in his arms. Kindness exudes from every part of him, humble in even his greatest accomplishments, and he’s the man that you could’ve only dreamed of being with when you used to imagine your future.

And maybe that was why you were destroying it. He was too good, and everything that had ever been a beacon in your life, would ultimately shatter like glass and leave you to deal with the scars left by the shards.

But Bucky, he had his own scars to bare. You’d traced them in the early mornings you spent together, concealed only by the moon that witnessed your moments together. You’d been gentle with them, kissed every memory that lingered on his body that had left the mark. He never quite knew what to do whenever you did so, only knowing that his heart seemed to swell up in his chest, as he held your hands in his, promising something more than what either of you could give.

It didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t fair to either of them, neither to yourself. Because though you knew it wasn’t okay, putting the three of you through this dissolution, you couldn’t see an end in the clearing just yet. Your mind as foggy as the clouds that you land on while you’re with them.

There’s a cool wind that flicks itself against your skin, bringing you back from the edge of your thoughts. You pull Steve’s jacket up around your shoulders, nestling in its comfort. It smells like him; woody cedar and warm cinnamon, with the faintest bit of mint that mixes with the marshmallow and sweet raspberry perfume that you wear. You hold it close to you as you wait for him, knowing that he’s in the middle of the living room, watching you from afar, waiting for the right time to join you. It has you holding your breath until you hear the faint screech of the screen door sliding open.

It’s quiet between the two of you as Steve meets you on the balcony, overlooking a view of the city lights and the night sky. It’s one of the reasons why you two chose this place to be your home, what once used to be your safest place, now reminds you of what you’ve ruined. There’s a slither of space left between the two of you that holds your hope, as he stands so close that you can smell the cologne you bought him for his birthday this year. You don’t know what you’re supposed to say to him, as you turn to look at him, feeling yourself warm at his intense gaze that’s already set upon you. Your hand grips the railing at his deep intake of breath before he speaks, almost too quiet for the hustle of the city that surrounds you.

“I know that there’s something going on, something you’re not telling me”, and you want to say something, but he’s beating you to it again, “Shh” he hushes gently, moving closer to you and holding your face in one of his palms, “It’s okay, I know”.

“I love you, Steve” you declare, because you do. He’s the first person you’ve ever known like this, the first person who has ever truly known who you are. The first man you’ve ever been in love with, and you don’t want it to end, but you don’t know how you keep going after this.

“I know”, he smiles fondly, a faraway look in his eyes as he continues, “But you love him too”.

And you don’t know what to say, your mind idle as you realise there are no words that could ever be enough for an apology to him, a declaration of your love, an explanation of how you got here. There’s just, nothing. Because he’s right, you also love Bucky. And of course Steve knew, because, how couldn’t he? He knew your heart, and now he knows, that he shares it with another.

There isn’t another word spoken between the two of you, as you throw your arms around him and push your face into his chest. You let out the tears you’d been holding in for so long, finally feeling free of your secret, yet still sinking in your liability, as he shares his tears with you. It settles in your chest.

You don’t know how long the two of you stand there in the embrace, but you know that you can’t let go. He holds your fingers entwined with his as the two of you walk back inside, finding your way to the bedroom as he gently lays you down.

It’s never felt like this between the two of you before. It’s melancholic, the touch of each other against naked skin, his kisses gentle, as though he’s afraid of you leaving him, never to return. You know you could never do that, and you spend your next hours convincing him with moans of his name, in between the _I love you’s_ , and amongst the softest touches that emit the greatest pleasure.

You don’t think of what will happen tomorrow, when the sun greets you both to deal with the consequences of tonight. For now, you’d lay with your head on Steve’s chest, letting his deep breaths lull you into a peaceful sleep.

And as your about to drop, your phone will chime with a quiet buzz, so you’ll reach out aimlessly to the bedside to grab it. Your eyes blinking as they adjust to the light beaming from your phone in the darkness of your bedroom, heart seizing as they do.

**B.**

_I need to see you._

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this story, please follow me on tumblr @ ritesofreverie.tumblr.com where i post all my fics first.  
> i'm also open for requests over there, but also feel free to come and say hi :)


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